Pilly and the Coumadin

I suppose if you've never taken it you might not be familiar with Coumadin, it's that rat poison they give you after heart surgery to thin your blood.

Well, that's what they call it, but of course your blood is really no thicker or thinner than it ever was, your clotting time is either short or long, with coumadin it's long, and so you don't form clots around your grand, artificial heart valve. Welcome to the world of the cyborgs.

Anyway, as I may have mentioned, I have some TIAs now and then and my short term memory is toast since that time they froze my brain and I was dead for fifteen minutes.

I just bet Jesus didn't have to go through all this after HIS resurrection, but then he was God, so that might account for it.

Anyway, I forget things, like that my latest coumadin prescription was for three milligram tablets not two, and I was supposed to take one three and half a one to make 3.5, but I blithely forgot all that by the time I got home and just remembered take one and a half tablets.

So I did. Thus taking four and a half milligrams of coumadin a day.

When I dropped the pliers on my toe and it wouldn't quit bleeding for three days, you might think that would have given me a clue, but no. I can't remember exactly what I thought the explanation for that was, but I am sure it had nothing to do with blood thinner.

So, not knowing I was ready to bleed to death from a shaving nick, I also had a fit of the "I should lose weight and get in shape" bug. So I got a little enthusiastic with the exercise and did something really wretched to my neck.

It's taken a long time to get here to the point, but that is the reason I'm taking the muscle relaxer and so am just a little relaxed. Like if I drank and had decided to have a fifth of Jack, that kind of relaxed.

I remember now why I don't drink. Emma has one of those little princess beauty kits. You know the ones, some pink paste for rouge, some colored wax for lipstick, some nail polish that's guaranteed to wash off in the tub (it doesn't) a lot of blue eyeshadow and some purple glitter fairy dust.

So, I let her give me a makeover right before I went to the quickstop for tootsie rolls, and it was only after I got home that I remembered to look in the mirror. At which point it became apparent why all those people were smiling at me.

Up to then, I just thought they were really friendly and hospitable folks. But now I suspect it's because I had purple fairy dust all over me, my blue eyeshadow reached above my brow line and while one hand and foot had some creatively polished pink nails, the other hand and foot did not.

I bet they don't wonder anymore why I quit wearing makeup.

I'm thinking I may let Emma do all my makeup from now on. I bet that fellow from the beer tent who is opposed to weeds would be a lot less vocal if he had to express his opinion to a woman who glittered purple from head to toe.

And no, I'm not going to weed the flower bed. Anyone who is offended by it is welcome to come right over and weed to their heart's content. I like it the way it is. And I have way more interesting things to do than weed flowerbeds. Also, since I am opposed to vitamin K injections, I am forbidden to go near anything sharp until I see Tammy again on Wednesday morning.

Tammy is my PA.

I can't do the dishes, cut vegetables, open cans or do anything else that might involve puncturing my skin anywhere. Which, had I know about it, would have caused me to overdo the coumadin a long time ago, because a muscle relaxer and a nice book is a great way to spend a Tuesday, let me tell you.

Oh, and I bruised a lot, really rather alarmingly. I can't decide whether to tell the neighbors Jimmy beats me or to say Jean pushed me down the stairs.

I think I'll go with the Jean story, since she's moving out Friday and taking my grandchildren with her. Before you know it Aiden and I will be making forts, singing songs about the school bus and having popcorn for breakfast to our heart's content.

Every cloud has a silver lining, you just have to look for it.