Early

I used to do some of my best work early in the morning. Not anymore, but still.

I'm having empty nest syndrome, because those horrible parents of my grandchildren--you know, my kids--are moving to their own apartment. I tried to get them to leave the babies, but no. It seems they want to keep them.

I'm considering kidnapping, how many years of prison do you get for stealing two grandchildren? Jean never rises before sunset so if I start early enough in the day I can get a pretty good head start.

Okay, they're only moving down the street, but that's still too far away. I tried to get Mandy to move home with all of her children, but she said no. Something about an actual life with children who haven't been completely ruined by their grandma.

On the other hand, she has catastrophic morning sickness right now so I'm biding my time, sooner or later someone will need help with the children and I like to take care of Mandy, she's my best daughter-in-law.

Nicole would tie for best daughter-in-law but she never comes to live with me, so she loses a lot of points for being independent and self supporting. She's married to my son the businessman. He travels a lot, wouldn't you think they'd need to stay with me? Okay, it's true they have a better house than I do, but full time nannying should count for something and I'm good at that.

Chad refuses to get married and reproduce despite the fact that I have encouraged him and encouraged him since he graduated high school. He's big on college, Chad is. Doesn't care at all about marriage. I don't know where I went wrong with that boy.

Obviously he took in the condom lecture, since he never got some nice girl in trouble so I could force him to marry her.

Well, you can't have everything, I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it. I suppose there is some consolation in getting the television back, I am kind of tired of the brainy babies dvd. Also Spongebob, who in my opinion should be forbidden by law.

What does Spongebob teach children really? That you can light a campfire on the bottom of the sea. Doesn't that violate some law of physics or nature or something? And that sea creatures enjoy snowball fights right after the big blizzard that hits the bottom of the sea. Same question.

Is Spongebob a child or an adult? He lives alone, which would tend to indicate he's not a child, and he has a job as a fry cook. Okay, then why does he enjoy playing with Patrick the retarded starfish? Is he just a good person or is he retarded too? And if he is retarded, why are we letting him work around a hot grill flipping burgers?

I can accept that miserly Mr. Krab is willing to hire the retarded kid to save money, but even misers must know that there is something appalling about a cook who falls in love with his Krabby Patty.

And then sometimes they go to the beach. On the bottom of the ocean. Next to (apparently) another ocean. Once they buried a fish up to his neck in the sand at low tide, and he died when the tide came in and he drowned. He's a fish, presumably one that can't breathe under his ocean but is great at breathing under ours.

What message does that send to children? First, are we saying it's okay to drown our friends, and second will our kids ever be able to enjoy the aquarium after they know fish can drown?

Spongebob has imaginary friends like Bubble Buddy that he created out of his bottle of bubble blowing solution, in the end of that episode everyone is so fed up with the imaginary friend they try to pop him with a needle.

Thus causing Spongebob enough emotional trauma to guarantee he will be spending much of his adult life in therapy. Then we discover Bubble Buddy is actually a sentient being who decides to take the bus home. At what point did he assume actual life? We saw Spongebob create him. And we wonder how schizophrenics are made.

And let's not forget Sqidward, the neurotic squid with six tentacles that lives next door and has a highly questionable relationship with his clarinet, wears a shower cap in his bubble bath, gets completely anal on the subject of interpretive dance and goes into spasms of joy over art appreciation. Except he has no taste and isn't the least bit gay.

And I'm not being mean about being gay, if you are gay you should write a letter to the obnoxious homophobe who created Squidward, he's so stereotypical someone should get sued.

Maybe he and Spongebob are secretly lovers, God knows Patrick is never going to figure out sex. Patrick can't even figure out home, he lives under a rock and has furniture sculpted from sand.

Come to think of it, it's really time those children got out on their own and I can go back to watching scary movies, I'm clearly way too informed about Spongebob.