Oh, Hell

Because I'm pretty sure I'm headed there.

If you knew you could manipulate someone, and you saw them headed for a cliff they were going to run off of, and you knew they would not listen to reason but would defy you on general principles if you told the truth, but you could stop them by pretending to share a belief of theirs and convincing them the cliff was dangerous because--something you made up on the spur of the moment that fit that belief--and they followed you like a lamb away from the cliff, would you say God would be for or against that?

I already know the answer, I'm just trying to convince myself that sometimes the end justifies the means. But I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

And speaking of hell.....the rear of my property abuts an old building with a driveway access to my backyard. For as long as I remember, using that access didn't hurt anyone, it didn't block anything the owner might like to do with his abandoned lawn ornament shop and, in a small community, it was generally regarded a courtesy to allow people to use the ten feet of gravel between the street and my yard as a point of access.

But the new owner appears to be unaware of the courtesy of small towns and asked that no one use it. And that was okay, because directly to the right of that gravel is the property of my friend, Cowboy, who spends much of his year in Alaska.

I asked for and obtained his permission to use his driveway as access, and assumed the problem was resolved.

Silly me.

It seems our abandoned lawn ornament factory owner just can't rest if I have access to my backyard. The children and I often walk that way to and from my daughter's house and the playground, it's shorter, there are no fences, no signs and no one has ever spoken to me and indicated I shouldn't walk that ten feet of gravel as a shortcut to the street behind my house.

And now we come to my advice of the day for the Village of Viola and for any of the rest of you who don't think things through to their logical conclusion.

Never start a war unless you are prepared to fight one.

Ask yourself, if I do A what will the reaction likely be? Am I prepared to deal with that? If it occurs, should I escalate things further or retreat? How important is this to me? Is it worth what it will cost me to "win"?

I advise you not to sharpen wires and plant them in the ground level with the grass and then post no warning signs. I advise you of that because if you do it twice, my reaction is not likely to be quietly removing your trap and suggesting graciously that what you are trying to do is probably immoral, possibly illegal and just a damned good thing to refrain from doing.

I say that because I try to be a good Christian. But I don't always succeed. You can't count on me always doing what Jesus would do, or at least, what I believe he would have me do.

Jesus loves you. I, on the other hand, do not.

Jesus will not harm you, can you say with confidence that I won't either? One thing I will most assuredly do if I step on your wires and injure a foot, thus risking endocarditis to all my artificial heart parts, is to sue you without mercy and for a very long time. Over and over. For many reasons. As soon as the lawyer thinks of something, wham, we'll be in court once again.

And there is always a lawyer my friend, always. Don't just assume the poor have no resources. If it's important enough, if it's likely lucrative enough, there are always resources.

Also, I would like to warn the rest of you. Not to stay away, but to visit. Get injured, let your dog get injured, or your kid, or your mother-in-law. I will gladly help you see that there are consequences.

And those are just the obvious consequences. We should always remember that beyond a certain point what a person has to lose is negligible compared to what he can gain in personal satisfaction.

I only suggest that so that you will remember that even the meek have their limits.

Having said that, now let me encourage all of you to be wise, love your neighbor, be reasonable.

Ask yourself, "How important is this? Just because I CAN do a thing, does that necessarily mean that I should do it? Am I so pathetic that I can only feel big by exercising 'power' over something very childish? Do I want people to know or learn that about me? Am I proud of the fact that I can only feel large by making others feel small? Am I REALLY the better person if I can only feel bigger in that fashion? Would I want that written on my tombstone?"

Don't hide your light under a bushel, even if it's an ugly light. If you are not ashamed of what you are, you should not mind at all advertising it to the community at large.

Fence your property. Use razor wire. Post a lot of signs, not just "No Trespassing" But, "I'm a big jackass" as well. Why pretend? In a town this size you're going to look somewhat stupid, unreasonable and petty, but hey--that's what you are, right? So why hide that.

Encourage your inner asshole. You've been doing fairly well thus far, why not go all the way? Take out an ad in the local paper, you know that smudgy two sheet rag that still has columns devoted to the fact that Betty Smith paid a call on Amy Jones this past week-end.

It's not CNN, but everyone has to start somewhere. This could be your springboard to becoming as big an obnoxious old white man as Bill O'Reilly!


Seriously, let's try to be kind, have consideration for others, share, be reasonable. In short, do all those things that used to indicate one was an adult who had been taught some manners.

As opposed to being that ill bred, thoroughly uneducated, probably raised by monkeys thing we've got going on now.

The true test of a man's character is not in how he treats those he considers his equal, but in how he treats those he believes to be somehow inferior to him.

Be the kindness.