Reflecting...

People who write do so for one reason and one reason only.  Because they have a story they need to tell. And that is why I write this blog, to tell you a story.  Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad, sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're not.  But they all end up here because I can't NOT write.

So, I'm going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, about thirty years ago I suffered a catastrophic psychotic breakdown.  It completely rebooted my life and my personality and how I think.  I have never had a second breakdown because I decided Dr. Jackson the psychiatrist knew her business pretty well, and so I made the changes that would ensure I would stay...sane.  Or mostly so, anyway.

I'm telling you this story because I noticed something happening in people around me that I don't like, and in case any one reading this is somewhat like me, I'm hoping you'll take heed and avoid the disaster for yourselves.  I hope I tell it well enough that you can read the map and avoid the pitfalls and find comfort.

While the world views a competitive spirit as the mother lode of good things in life, for some of us, it's a recipe for disaster.  Because for some of us, the need to be the best, or even just to be better than whoever is standing next to us, is more than a nudge to try harder.

That need becomes the crystal meth of achieving.  We will push and strive and compete til we weigh 80 pounds, have a resting heart rate of 170 and are completely insane, and then we'll keep competing until we're dead and we can't get up anymore.

That was me.  There was no such thing as enough.  I don't know why.  I just know I couldn't live unless I could do it better than you can.  Til I had more degrees and made more money and owned more things and was a better lover and knew more songs and played more instruments and was a better chess player and could play tennis at Wimbledon and anything else any other person in the whole free world could do, I could do better.

You probably don't know that about me.  I hope you never thought I could be like that.

So there I was, exhausted, 89 pounds of total, vibrating, full out fight or flight anxiety and completely insane.

And I decided that I could go on, and die insane.  Or I could let it all go and never compete with anyone for anything again.  So I did.

I have stopped seeing people if they persisted in competing with me.  Friendship wasn't worth the  whistle, I can refuse to compete, but I can't refuse to be competed with. I don't work outside my home, I don't need to have any particular thing to prove my value, I don't care what you think of my house or my life or my children, and I don't want you to care what I think of yours.

Because what I think doesn't matter.  Please know that.  What ANYBODY thinks of you doesn't matter.  Let it go.

If someone needs to be prettier than you, richer, stronger, wiser, kinder,  better in any way whatsoever--let them be.  Concede graciously and go do something you like to do.  Something you really like to do, not something you think you should like to do or that will impress people if they think you like to do it.

I still play games sometimes, as long as I don't care if I win.  If I start to care, I concede and go make tea.  I write because I like to write.  I'll never get famous and I'll never get rich at it and I don't care because that isn't why I do it.

I like to knit hats.  I make perfectly awful hats, really.  Some so bad not even my grandchildren will wear them to go sledding.  But I still make them, because I like to knit hats.

I like to study.  Because there are things I want to know.  I know a lot of things, now, and I hope to know more as I go along.  I do not need college credits or a degree to prove I have learned these things.  That's not why I study.  I study because I like to know things.

I really like to sing.  I sing fairly well, dogs don't howl and children don't cry, but there are thousands of people who sing much better than I do.  And that's okay, I like to listen to them, sometimes.  But mostly I like to sing, so I do.

If I get too fond of something, I give it to somebody else.  Nobody should care so much about things that they have to have them to be happy.

So here's my thought for the end of this year and the start of the next one:

Anything I can do, you can do better.  Enjoy.