Sanity

Some people have an episode of temporary insanity, but as I always have to be different, I get episodes of temporary sanity. Not that I'm complaining.

I would like to thank my friend Jeannie (Buzz's mom) for saving my life last week. I always say, "Be the kindness." I say it because one act of kindness can sometimes be the deciding factor in life or death. You just don't always realize how a single kind or unkind act can impact another life so greatly.

Jeannie was the kindness for me. Her hand on my shoulder gave me strength, her smile and her kind look reminded me that I have friends, that I have support, that I am loved. It was a simple act, and yet it turned the tide for me. When I tell you to be the kindness, that's not just a catch phrase. It's a rule to live by, a mantra, a hope. A way that you can change the world.

Sometimes, between one heartbeat and the next, I go from being an empty tortured soul to being the richest woman in the world. And the only thing that has made the change is my perspective.

I would like to tell you, if you are one of us crazy people, that you can just choose your perspective. But that would be a lie. We can't.

It really is like the tide. It comes in until it's done coming in and you're as dead as you can be without actually dying, and then the tide turns and you get well. For no reason at all, because of nothing you have done or failed to do, not because of a change in circumstance.

It's just that the tide has turned, and now it's going to go out for awhile. But eventually, it's going to turn and come back in again, too. For no reason at all, because of nothing you have done or failed to do, not because a change of circumstance.

And sometimes you just have to accept that.

Today, I am, like Saint Francis, a Joyful Beggar. And I am grateful for that. Today I think this whole sanity/insanity business is a blessing from God. Not just anyone can be crazy, you know. It's not a gift God trusts to just everyone.

I have always said with Poe,

"From childhood's hour
I have not been
As others were,
I Have not seen
As other's saw,
I could not bring
My passions from the common spring."

I am gentler for this illness, I am kinder for it, I am more patient for it, and I have compassion for all who suffer from it. Those gifts are worth the whistle, I would rather have them than sanity.

Jesus shared his poverty with me, and that is a wonderful and awesome thing. But that He should also have pierced my heart just a little with this illness, so I could share in what He and His Mother suffered for love, just a little, not more than I could stand, well. That takes away my breath and makes me hide my face like Emma does when she is shy.

Because I know I didn't do anything to be worthy of that.

But if He shared it with you, too. If you know what it is to feel so much that you are undone by feeling, Remember that you are blessed.

Saint Therese died during a period of depression so great she could not feel God's presence. Mother Teresa did, also. And just think, that Jesus sees something in us that is enough to make him let us share that sometimes, a thing that is granted to Saints....what a wonder that is.

Because we are not good, we are not special, we are not, ourselves Saints. And even so, He shares that with us.

It is a reason to be the kindness, alright. Be joyful.