Katt Williams

I was just over there on CNN, and I have to tell you, that Katt Williams fellow has a really nice mug shot. Much better than mine. And I'm pretty sure he's not guilty, either.

So, just in case he should ever be here in hillbilly hell, I want him to know that he is welcome to drop in here and visit us anytime at all. We criminal types really must stick together. He can sleep on the sofa, help himself to the refrigerator, I will even give him the very best afghan my mother made to sleep under.

He smiled in his mug shot. That may be because he is more alert than I am and he knows what, "go stand over there by the wall" is leading to, or it could be that he knows he has a lawyer and enough money to sue some serious butt when this is over.

I would even testify on his behalf. I mean, I wasn't actually there or anything, but I am confident I could think of something nice to say about him on the witness stand, and convince the court that he only swears like that to make money, it's not that he's really rude. I used to be a Sunday School teacher, if no one runs my prints, that could even mean something.

It was refreshing to know that even wealthy, famous comedians can sometimes choose the wrong friends and end up in front of a wall getting their picture made by the nice deputy.

His lawyer said something like the charges were absurd, and I would just like to tell him that if he says that around here, some guy is going to yell at him, he's going to need a trip to the therapist afterward, and before you can say Bob's your uncle, someone will have charged him with obstructing justice.

I used to think Texas was kind of out there, because instead of a welcome to their state they just scream, "Don't mess with Texas" at you as you cross their borders. Now I am thinking it's nice they issue a warning and maybe Wisconsin could consider something along those lines. Not necessarily for the whole State, but certainly for this county.

And possibly the one next door, although I met their deputy once and she was just as nice as pie, so maybe not.

You may be wondering why I don't just go live somewhere else, and I would like to relieve your curiosity by telling you that most days I cannot leave my house. I am praying I will not be having an agoraphobia day on my court appearance day because if they make me come to court on a day like that, they are going to have to force me screaming and slavering white foam out the door.

Hauling me into court with that strait jacket and hockey mask on, riding on a refrigerator dolly and dripping blood from where I held onto the door frame and bit my tongue in half is likely not going to improve my situation in the courtroom.

I would go to great lengths to ensure I don't have to leave the city limits even on a good day, and that would be how I find myself in this charming position in the first place. Alright, my judgement was poor, I admit that, but it seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Which, incidentally, I am having engraved on my tombstone, since it seems to have been the sentiment that has guided my life all along, and no one need wonder why I am rarely if ever seen outside this house.

It usually wasn't a good idea at the time, and that would explain how I got here. Anyone who doubts me is welcome to visit any of the nurses who took care of me after heart surgery and ask them their opinion of my sanity.

I do think, however, that jail might be good for me. They lock you in a little room, you never have to leave and so far as I know, no one plays the guitar to all hours keeping you awake.

You don't have to cook, with a little persuasion I might be able to convince them to give me some floor wax and a few sponges and I could have the cleanest, shiniest, nicest little room in the history of prison.

Getting me to leave might be a small problem for them, I tend to bond with my safe zone. Still, it's a positive thought. In no time at all, every county worker in the area will know the words to Ave Maria and will be able to join in a rousing chorus of "The Risin' of the Moon" at the drop of a hat and with gusto.

While I'm gone, that nice Katt Williams fellow can stay at my house and keep the boys company.

That'll work.