Watching Emma

It seemed fairly simple, Lacey and Nick needed to go shopping, and I would visit their house and watch Emma, Ada was already asleep.

What could be simpler, more charming, than that?

Nothing really. If Ada had been asleep. But she wasn't. She also wasn't tired, wasn't hungry, wasn't interested in her pacifier and did not particularly enjoy anything that did not involve Grandma holding, walking and singing to her.

Despite many assurances that she liked her new walker so much she almost demanded to spend all her time in it, she wouldn't get within four feet of it for me, for any reason at all. She felt the same way about the bouncer, the crib, the high chair and the floor.

So I walked Ada and sang a lot. But then came Emma.

Emma rolled her tractor to the sink, stood on it, found a sharp knife and began slicing tomatoes. I put Ada down , ran to take the knife away, moved Emma from the sink and threw the tractor into the hallway outside the apartment door. Ada screamed.

I went and got Ada, turned around, and discovered Emma had left the apartment to go after her tractor and was headed down the stairs to the park.

I put Ada down (Ada screamed), captured Emma, carried her and the tractor upstairs, locked the tractor in the closet and went to get Ada.

While I was getting Ada, Emma pushed her slide over to the sink, climbed into it and poured all the cans of formula down the drain.

I put Ada down (Ada screamed) captured Emma, locked the slide in Em's bedroom, and went back to get Ada (who was screaming).

I walked Ada and as I got her to stop screaming for a minute Emma shattered the silence by gleefully shouting, "Gramma! I swingin!" Which she was, indeed, doing from the hand rest of the treadmill which her mother had left folded against the wall.

I put Ada down (she screamed) I removed Emma from the treadmill, made her put her underwear back on her butt where they belonged instead of on her head where she was currently wearing them, settled her with a nice dvd and went to get Ada, who was still screaming but could be bribed with teething biscuits to be quiet as long as there was much walking and singing.

Coming back into the living room I found Emma had put a black garbage bag over her head which she wore while running through the house yelling, "Gramma! I a ghost!"

I put Ada down--she screamed--removed the garbage bag and all of it's friends from Emma and the apartment, settled Emma with a nice book and went to get Ada. Once again, singing and walking.

Meanwhile Emma opened the dishwasher and removed all the sharp cutlery she could find and prepared to make sushi on her tea tray. Put Ada down, screaming, removed cutlery, locked the dishwasher, got Emma interested in her dollhouse and commenced walking and singing to Ada,

Emma loaded her tea tray with glass apothecary jars, tripped over the cat, brained the dog with the tea tray and dropped a jar on her foot. I cried.

Then Lacey came home. Ada was still screaming, I was crying, the dog was unconscious, the cat had disappeared under the furniture somewhere, Emma was screaming "I need my Mommy" and boy was I in agreement with that, and now the neighbors think a lot of lullabies include the phrase, "Oh my God, Emma what are you...!!!!!!!"

Just another Towerville kind of day here in Viola. I don't just make this stuff up, you know. And that's why I went completely insane. And I do not want to be cured, either.