Bored, Bored, Bored

Couldn't one of you children fail dismally at life and move home with some of my grandchildren? I mean, I hate to wish misfortune upon you, but it's not like you'd be homeless, you know. I WOULD take you in and ruin your children.

Oh, well. Woe is me.

So anyway, now that mother has helped me redecorate with all those beautiful rugs and pillows she made me, there's nothing to do but play the Sims. I LIKE the sims and everything, it's just that I realized that all my families were basically my age, even if they were toddlers.

None of my children ever do anything but study and build skills that will help them later in college. Where was this me when I was young? I still can't leave the house without serious bribery, but I've got sim toddlers who know that eight points in mechanical skills will get them a scholarship to Harvard when they are thirteen and I have them move to college.

I've got goal oriented parents that achieve their lifetime wants ten minutes after they graduate and thus have platinum mood for the rest of their gloriously extended lives.

I think of reasons to kill my old sims because there's nothing for them to do but garden and relax and none of them wants to, and they also are sick of visiting the Orient, Twikii Island and the mountains.

What brain surgeon decided to send elderly sims to the mountains? I've been to the mountains, any sim over 50 can't breathe at that altitude and is going to have a major coronary right after learning that slap dance. Also, none of them would ever make the local gesture and if someone made it at them first, they would certainly make a gesture in return but it would involve only one finger and be universal in translation.

None of my sims want to learn to teleport from a ninja in the orient, either. It's a complete waste of time and I'm sick of people becoming invisible at the zen garden while meditating. Elderly people are feeling invisible enough, just trust me, there is no need at all to have them go meditate at the zen garden.

And as for that annoying old fellow that wants to tell you the legend of the dragon scroll, I can tell you it really isn't worth making him tea and listening to his jokes.

And by the way, Bigfoot lives in the mountains, do not help him rake his leaves and then invite him home. No one in your actual neighborhood is going to understand a large smelly man covered in fur who sleeps with his teddy. Leave him in the wood s where he belongs. I tried to get some spinster schoolteacher to marry him, as I thought they might have interesting children, but apparently that would be bestiality and it would offend the family rating of the game.

Your sims can woohoo all to hell and gone, in the bed, the hottub or the closet, but they cannot enter into holy matrimony with bigfoot. Just so you know.

There's a ghost in the pirate ship on Twikii Island, but if you let them learn to sing the sea chanty, forever afterward they will break spontaneously into "Yo ho ho, a zider bee for me" even when entertaining the boss in an attempt to gain a promotion. People who have never been to Twikii Island do not seem to understand the significance of "Yo ho ho, a zider bee for me", so it is better not to ever learn it. Once learned, they cannot control themselves at all and will sing it anywhere, under any circumstances, even upon viewing the tombstone of their beloved relative you just drowned in the swimming pool because you couldn't stand it anymore.

Also, I once decided to make serial killer sim, and all through college she murdered everyone who came to visit and saved the tombstones in her inventory for when she moved home. This leads to very strange desires in your sim, things like witchcraft, vampirism and the desire to sleep in coffins. Who says a sim can't learn?

I got a few men pregnant with that alien abduction option, and they like their green babies, but their wives a re a little bitchy about it and won't hug them unless forced, so be advised that mom is going to need to build a relationship with bug eyes from the get go. Otherwise the aliens end up with a complex and want to kill all their visitors at college. I think we already know where that leads.

Sometimes your sim is gay. Just learn to deal. It has been my experience that a male sim who loves music, dance and cooking and gets crushes on his male roommate should not be forced to be straight. It just makes him cry a lot and die young, so just let him go his own way. If it bothers you, there are many other sims to play, just send him to the island and don't visit him.

Marrying a robot is possible but unnatural and they always want children and tend to run amok when discovering they can only adopt. I haven't had any werewolves yet, but your plant sims have some interesting babies. All these creatures--and vampires--can reproduce, but no one can sleep with bigfoot. Go figure.

So anyway, I guess I'll go see if Francis Worthington the second has produced an heir, yet. Unless some of my kids fall on hard times and bring the children to live with me.