Morning

So, if you're wondering why there's a fairytale on this blog it's because I have finally gone completely insane. Really tinfoil hat wearing, act like Napoleon, call the men with the butterfly nets crazy.

Okay, that's a lie, I wrote it for one of the kids. I just enjoy madness so much I was hoping the bend would appear in the road soon so I could go round it.

This morning Aiden found his lovely new backpack (thanks ever so, Jean) and completely destroyed all of his school supplies, then he reprogrammed the television so everyone is speaking Chinese, and he topped off the morning by deciding to sail around the world in the bathtub, apparently blowing bubbles with the good soap all the way.

I don't know about you but if I give those Dove soap people half of Jimmy's paycheck for some of that grand anti-aging stuff I expect more than a good session of foaming bubbles with a toddler.

I know what you're thinking, you're saying, "Where were his adults?" aren't you? I know because I ask myself that question pretty often, too. I would like to be Saint Grandmother and raise the children, but my baby will be twenty in November and as much as I enjoyed his childhood, I don't really care to re-live it.

Also I am very tired and prefer to save my energy for things like driving his mother completely insane by letting him do things like sleep in his new shoes.

And where are his parents? Well, his father is working in Iowa this week and is not telepathic, so he has no idea what is going on here most of the time. You can only call home about 65 times a day and then your boss starts to wonder if maybe you aren't talking to the Colombian drug lords, so there is a limit to what I can hope for from his dad.

His mother, now, I believe is a vampire. She hasn't said so, but I noticed that she doesn't ever rise until sunset and daylight seems to be very harmful to her. The last time I woke her before four PM she screamed in agony a lot.

You're wondering why I don't go throw her butt out of bed, aren't you? Well, that's a long and involved story, but doing so would mean negotiating through the upstairs til I found her bed and frankly, I'm just not that adventurous. God only knows what's up there. I haven't seen it since before heart surgery and anyway, it's their space, I don't like to invade it.

I like to rest instead. I have done my best to remove all poisonous substances from down here and hidden all the meds on a very high shelf and I'm afraid that's the extent of how involved I'm willing to get.

Also, even though she will only work after dark I'm the only person in my neighborhood that has a full time live in cook and housekeeper and good help is SO hard to find, so I don't want to make mine mad.

Anyway, this is our last day of summer vacation and then my little guy is off to start school, which is complety absurd if you're only four but far be it from me to suggest that letting babies become children before you ship them off would be a better idea.

I wouldn't want to cut into some parent's "me time".

I think that if you don't want to raise children, perhaps you should refrain from giving birth to any.
On the other hand, there will always be people like me to be the neighborhood mother or grandma on call. If you don't mind that I'm the one raising your children I'm not going to complain, either. I like children.

Just so you know, you have no secrets. When you're home every day after school with a cookie in one hand and some milk in another, and you're more interested in hearing about a kid's day than anything else in the world, there is no limit at all to what children will tell you.

You don't even have to ask. I have social services on speed dial and I'll try to remember not to talk about your financial situation, that disagreement you had with your spouse last night and your child's fears about whether he can live up to your expectations.

You can forbid him to visit but he's going to anyway. I may not have your income, but then you don't have my knowledge.

That's why I smile like that in church.